So here we have the  next punch line


You  can control the reactions you get


Remember I said that many issues could be substituted for sexuality – that still applies throughout this article.


“Learn to love yourself” is one of those Americanisms that make me,  as a European, cringe. It seems so strange because I was always taught to put others first, that “Pride comes before a fall” that “Pushy people” are not nice people. In fact the disparaging line “Look at him/ her doesn’t he/ she  just

 just love themselves” is frequently heard in social circles. So everything in our core seems to tell us that self love is a very bad thing.



There has to be a BUT.


Learning to know ourselves, being honest about the good as well as the bad points lets us understand ourselves. We are all quick to listen to that inner voice that seems to be criticising us all the time---- we need to tell that to shut up so that we can hear the quieter voice that  politely comments when we do well--- but we are trained not to listen to that in case it makes us “Big headed”.


 We need to go through a process of stepping back  and looking at ourselves as others see us. We need to ask if what they see is what we want them to see. We also need to ask if that is the real us or just an image we are projecting.  Once we know the answers to those question  we can better know ourselves. When we know ourselves we can either accept or reject  what we find. There may be elements that we want to change, enhance, celebrate or eliminate.

Personality is initially formed in the early years but it is not a thing that has a start and finish point---- personality continues to grow and evolve over a lifetime, experience and knowledge cause changes of attitude and belief. Changes in society force us to make changes to how we interact with the world around us. The choices we make as we go along shape and reshape us constantly.


Knowing ourselves, recognising our progress, accepting  the totality of what makes us us is amazingly powerful. It affects the way we feel about ourselves, it shows us what we can and what we will not do, it opens possibilities and closes out fears.


The effect of all this is that our body language changes, our posture changes, that affects literally how we see the world – standing up straight, looking forward instead of hunched over staring down. And the effects go similarly for hearing,  smell and taste.  All of that we describe as confidence. All our messaging is aligned—we become consistent, credible. Our body language expresses our inner personality to use a technical term we become congruent. This is what others pick up from us using  a sixth sense that we all possess and use constantly but unconsciously.


People only question things that do not add up – that are not congruent. We constantly assess those with whom we come into contact – its part of our survival  mechanism. When the alarm bells ring we investigate and take whatever action seems appropriate----- sometimes that action is out of proportion with the modern world, sometimes it clashes with cultural or  social norms and is sometime verbally or physically violent.


Knowing yourself, accepting yourself and allowing that to be  unselfconsciously  communicated ---without false image----  is the best way to avoid attack at any level.

I am not saying everyone will accept everyone else what I am saying is that when you KNOW yourself you can better, more effectively, defend who and what you are.

Does that justify the first punch line?

So that just leaves the “Who is responsible if you are attacked” question, would you care to consider this and come up with an answer?  Is it possible to see this as an effect of your unconscious actions? Is it the fault of the attacker who is reacting instinctively  also unconsciously, Is it the fault of the attacker because they have failed to learn to overcome instincts that were developed in far off times for self preservation but are now unconscious reactions. In modern society any such attack is unacceptable, that hardly needs saying – what we are considering here is the mechanics of how it happens and thus how to avoid the fallout.


If you want help in dealing with this or other issues contact me problems have solutions then they are no longer problems--- but you have to start the ball rolling.



© Martin Williams 2013/15/16